Things That Are On My Mind

Lately, I’ve been feeling mentally cluttered. It’s like this cloud hangs over me of perfection and a constant need to work, work, work. I was recently invited to speak as a guest on a podcast and during the whole process, I felt extremely nervous. After the recording, I kept fussing with what I had said and wasn’t happy with it. There’s this pressure to be perfect when you do something, as if I will only get this one chance to express who I am to others. This thinking led to a lot of self-anger; at why I wasn’t able to speak well or perfectly. So, I’m taking this chance to write down why I felt that way.

I know I’m not perfect. I’m still learning and growing, so why do I feel like I need to speak perfectly when being interviewed or something similar? What does it mean, that as a society, we have grown to expect only perfect representations in media? If someone misspeaks or isn’t clear, are we going to immediately cancel them out? The podcast reached out to ME, and was interviewing ME, because they thought what I had to say was important and valid. I was a source of expertise in the area they were exploring. Even though I know this, why did I feel like I was less than? 

I’m reading All About Love: New Visions by bell hooks right now. She was constantly discussed in my undergraduate classes and I made a note to read more of her works. This book has been transformative so far. What I want to talk about, my worries of self-doubt and anger, they are all rooted in my relationship with love.

My parents offered me as much care as they could as a child, but I wasn’t given the space to develop a solid foundation of self-esteem. This lack of confidence and not valuing myself is what stems so much of the mental anguish I go through today. Coupled with the fact that I was literally an outsider in almost every space I occupied, and some today, I didn’t get the chance to develop loving relationships with many people. This disconnect from the community also impacted my self-love. 

In the book, hooks talks about how a society that doesn’t value commitment or honesty, especially in mindful interaction with others can’t be a society of love. Love can’t grow there. She is right, we lie on a day to day basis. From not being honest when someone asks how our day was, or how we felt about a present, we create this inauthentic self that isn’t who we truly are. The book also mentions that women gossip because they feel that they have to lie in public because it is expected of them as women to feel a certain way or to uphold a reputation, image, or avoid conflict. Gossiping or expressing their honest thoughts in a more intimate social circle, allows them to be themselves. Why is society like this now? I don’t want to lie to spare someone’s feelings like this anymore. Or say yes to something, when I really want to say no. It is a difficult topic to navigate but I also don’t want to be critical just to be mean.

This is where my spirituality comes in; say things that will uplift someone else or allow them to grow. That’s where I want to get at with my honesty. 

Going back to how I felt after the podcast, I’m beginning to accept that I am not going to be eloquent all the time. It’s okay. If someone thinks I was too simple or sounded stupid in my recording, that is their opinion. I can’t take back the words already spoken, but I can continue to grow, learn, and become a not-so-perfect me. 

Do you ever feel this way? If so, let me know your thoughts in the comments below.

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— Crystal